Should chemistry be based on trust initially in a relationship? I was asked this question recently and the answer is obvious. Not only should it be, it needs to be. Without trust, and the feelings of comfort and safety that come with it, chemistry is stifled from the very beginning because people have their guard up. You can never truly get to know someone that way.

Some people misuse the word “chemistry”. They confuse it for volatility. They see two people who fight constantly, exhibit jealousy, and yet can’t keep their hands off each other and think this is chemistry. I disagree with this definition of the term. I would call this misguided emotion and uncontrolled passion. While some people may call self destructive relationships like this “exciting”, they are actually made to implode. They turn out to be the very opposite of exciting because the arguments and combativeness soon become repetitive and draining.

I’m reminded of the comedy routine by Chris Rock about marriage and relationships in which he says, “All good relationships are boring. The only exciting relationships are bad ones. You never know what’s going to happen tomorrow when you’re in a bad relationship.” While the last part of this comment is definitely true, I think the idea that the only exciting relationships are bad ones is a complete misconception. Stable relationships, from the very beginning when you get to know this new person who you care about to the later stages when you explore further interests together, are exciting. Someone with whom you can go through the experiment of life with – that is chemistry. Someone with whom you experience nothing but frustration and anger and only the sex is good – this is not chemistry. It’s biology at best.